By Rutherford Q. Hornswagle, esq.
It has come to my attention that a new plague is sweeping America's great cities, and I do not mean a new strain of cholera or anything so tragic as the recent influenza outbreak. No, I am speaking of this new fashion of getting about on powered motor scooters!
HARUMPH!
The introduction of motor-cycles to the country's streets was bad enough, but at least those are relatively rare and follow many of the same laws as automobiles. These scooters, however, are cheap, plentiful, and can be ridden by any kind of delinquent, scofflaw, or undesirable with ease. I tell you, friends, that their proliferation threatens the very fabric of society itself.
It is shameful, SHAMEFUL I say, that wastrels and children can just scoot about underfoot disrupting commerce and disturbing the peace. You cannot walk down the sidewalk or even wait at a taxi stand anymore without being menaced by some hooligan on a motorized scooter. Is this what the modern era has in store for us? Is this what law-abiding citizens pay their taxes for, to be harried at every turn by speeding, smoking, shrieking scooters?
I am especially concerned by the proliferation of otherwise respectable women careening through the streets on these devilish machines. I see them weaving through traffic without a care in the world doing who knows what. Where are their husbands? Do they have no children to attend to? What's next, wearing pants? Voting? It is truly a shame, and yet another sign of the decadence of our times. What would our forebears think? Indeed, what would the fathers of our great country say if they saw this motorized bedlam?
Something must be done, friends. Where are the police? Where are our elected officials? Why are they not putting a stop to this? I implore you, for the sake of American society, to write your mayors and city councils and governors and congressmen, even the president, and demand that this motorized menace be stopped before it metastasizes and threatens our very way of life.