The Triumph Rocket 3 R makes a claimed 164 horsepower at 6,000 rpm and 163 lb-ft. of torque at 4,000 rpm. It’s a stylish brute, an almost comically gigantic bike that boasts what is currently the largest production motorcycle engine in the world. Naturally, that means Triumph wants you to want to take it out for an elegant night on the town.
If this was an actual date, would you want to take the Rocket 3 R to meet your parents? I suppose that all depends on who your parents are, and what kind of relationship you have with them. I mean, it’s a perfectly good-looking bike, if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s definitely not for everyone, but what bike is?
In any case, Triumph thought it would have a laugh, teaching the Rocket 3 R to do that old chestnut, the tablecloth trick. You know the one. Set up a lovely dinner for two (or three, or twelve), with plenty of fancy place settings, elegant china, silver, and crystal goblets a-plenty. Don’t forget the beaujolais, everyone! It’s an absolute must. You are required, by some unwritten law, to use the reddest possible wine in order to most strikingly endanger that lily-white, fine linen tablecloth that was sewn by angels with literal gold for hair at some heretofore undiscovered convent high in the mountains. A straw-colored chardonnay simply will not do, and you should instantly fire any set-dresser who suggests otherwise. Sure, BMW may have done the exact same trick back in 2010 with an S 1000 RR and a white wine, but this is a new day and a new bike.
With bated breath, you anxiously watch to see how the Rocket 3 R will fare at yanking that tablecloth away from the table, safely depositing all the dishes back down in their rightful place without making the merest hint of a mess. After all, that’s how the trick is supposed to go, isn’t it? This is meant to show with what precision the R3R wields its unconquerable power band, right?
Nah. It’s a ham-fisted brute, and it’ll smash all your tableware to bits. #LOLTriumph, good one.