Ducati All Stars: D-list musicians are really desperate for free motorcycles

Scene: a generic cubicle farm in a generic office park in Cupertino. Fluorescent lights hum loudly, but "Hey now, you're a rockstar" can still be heard faintly in the background being piped through the office intercom. Two men in their mid-thirties wearing identical Men's Warehouse suits enter, one is suspiciously tan for the time of year.
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Marketing flack #1: Whatsup broseph? Didn't see you leave TGI Friday's last night.

Marketing flack #2: Awww, dude, those appletinis were screwing with my system.

#1: I hear you there brother, those things are harrrrd (nods head and screws face up for emphasis).

#2: Besides, Donna was all over Brad from accounting.

#1: Dude, you need to get over that chick, she doesn't deserve you.

#2: *Sniff* Thanks man (sits up, straightens wide, pastel tie), so what's this meeting about?

#1: I don't know dude, I guess sales are down, no one reads Motorcyclist any more and we need to find some way to reach a new audience.

#2: So lifestyle marketing?

#1: Yep and you know what that means?!

Both: Chicks (high five)!

#1: So what're we going to do?

#2: Shit man, I dunno. Says here we need to reach men, aged 25 to 35 that earn at least $75,000.

#1: I guess we could try the Internet, I hear you can target your advertising to specific demographics.

#2: Nahh, dude, how's that going to get us chicks?

#1: You're right, only nerds us the Internet anyways (hides iPhone in pocket). I know what we can do, we can pay celebrities to endorse our product.

#2: Dude, I told you yesterday, we can't afford Mario Lopez.

#1: Shit, well we've got all these unsold bikes lying around, what if we give a bunch of desperate losers a free Ducati in return for endorsement?

#2: We're Ducati, we don't want desperate losers!

#1: Dude, that doesn't matter, the execs don't know any better.

#2: You're right and besides, washed up rock stars have all the good coke. Who do you think we can get?

#1: Oh, I don't know, but I saw Steve Jones, the guitarist from The Sex Pistols; Jason Bonham, who once played drums for Led Zeppelin during a revival concert; Steve Stevens who played guitar for Billy Idol; Billy Morrison who I guess was in some band called Camp Freddy; Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray; Chris Wyse, the bassist from The Cult; Donovan Leitch, the Donovan Leitch's son; and some random guy named Franky Perez in the food stamp line at the post office yesterday, I bet they'd do it.

#2: Sweet, the last thing I want to do is call any publicists. But do you think we can convince them to, you know, really plug the product?

#1: Food stamps man, food stamps.

#1: Shit man, it's almost noon, want to see if Bennigan's is open yet?

Fade to black.

Ducati