I definitely look fat in this suit.

So you know when you have that *thing* to do and you really don’t want to do it? You hem and you ha and you promise it’ll get done later…. until later is 7 months down the road and the person you promised you’d do the *thing* for is noble enough to recede into the background without ever calling you on it? Guilty.

Sorry Scorpion. You might remember that, back in October, Scorpion was nice enough to outfit me in a two-piece touring suit for our 3,000 mile Goldwing trek. I really owed our readers a full report then. I wanted to tell you that I think ladies should definitely consider it as a great touring gear option (and that it’s worth every penny at $430), but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it (even though you should definitely have a suit like this in the closet). Here’s why.

Take a long hard look at that tag up top. Every time I put on my Voyager jacket, it tells me to “get stung”. I hate this. Everything about it. It makes my skin crawl. No wonder they’re named after a bug. But I avoid eye contact with the in-your-face branding (admire the samples in the gallery to your heart’s content) and snuggle into the awesome hand loops and high zip-on collar. I’m cozy and content.

I live in the suit for 10 days straight. I’m pretty happy.

But then I see what I look like in most of our vacation photos.

For the ladies: a real life fat suit

The photos make me sad.

Wes might be a prima donna when it comes to pictures, but I can’t fault him because I like to look pretty too.

As a former fatty, I’m a little bit sensitive about body image (thanks for this, asshole Jalopnik commenter) and this Voyager jacket and Hellina pants combo isn’t helping. The little waist cincher straps help make you look like a fat hourglass, instead of a fat column. Bonus.

For the ladies: a real life fat suit

I did a shoot in the suit on three different occasions (one photo set mysteriously disappeared from the camera card) and I hated those pictures more than the vacation ones. So when it comes down to it, I just really hate the way this suit looks in photos. That’s right ladies. Gain 4 inches in every direction, effortlessly. No special diets needed.

I thought maybe it was just me. But then my super-duper-svelte lady friend wore the jacket for a ride, and quickly pronounced similar misgivings.

I’m being pretty hard on Scorpion. I have yet to see any truly flattering touring gear for men or women from any brand. (Have you laid eyes on the pouchy butt ‘stitch these guys keep sauntering around in?) I guess it’s just kind of the nature of the beast.

While it insults me every time I put it on and makes me look like a cow in photos, good things seem to happen while I’m wearing it. Bottom line? When I wear the jacket and pants I stay warm and dry while I spend a fuck ton of time on a motorbike. It has its redeeming qualities, you know?

While Sean’s feet got drenched in the biggest rainstorm of last winter, I was absolutely dry. Not a drop of water through from the double closed zippers of the jacket down to the cinched ankles of the pants. (Alpinestars’ Stella Armada boots offered similar waterproof black magic during that ride even though you’ll probably have to replace broken zippers. More than once.)

The hard protection in this suit is rather anemic in terms of surface area, but it does come with legit low profile CE approved SAS Tech armor for the shoulders, elbows and knees as well as large hip pads. I wore a real back protector instead of using the foam pad that is included. I love that I can stumble around bumping knees and elbows on trees and rocks and Trader Joe’s parking lots without the bruising that usually accompanies my clumsiness.

For the ladies: a real life fat suit

If it’s the kind of weather one really shouldn’t be riding in or if I’m going to spend more than the next 150 hours alternatively riding or sleeping and not doing much of anything else, then fine… I’ll put on my fat, happy touring costume on. But otherwise, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

The quest continues for protective, attractive ladies gear. For now I can stay bone dry, protected, and warm while looking like an out of touch German motorbike tourist (bonus points for a rental Harley as part of the costume).

Luckily, in spite of my tardiness, you can still get your hands on the jacket and suit for next winter. Tell Scorpion I sent you. They’ve been expecting it for far too long.

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