Wait, what?

Has Florida Man finally met his match? Friends, let me introduce you to Arizona Man. Mesa-area resident Jackson Brady Hanley, Jr. was excited to be celebrating four months of sobriety—so he kicked off the festivities by getting drunk and allegedly stealing an unspecified Kawasaki motorcycle from a local dealer. 

Not the best or brightest idea, to be sure, but there’s one silver lining which I’ll get to in a moment.  On Tuesday, February 11, 2020, Hanley rode his bicycle over to a local Kawasaki dealer in the middle of the day. He then proceeded to calmly wheel a Kawi off the showroom floor and out the door, according to local news station 3TV/CBS 5. No news report claims he tried to ride it, although he did allegedly steal it and take it for a walk. 

After what clearly must have been the slowest police chase ever, officers found Hanley with the bike nearby, tipped over onto a fence that managed to hold it upright. The dealership later estimated that its scrape with the law had caused around $3,500 in damage to the exhaust. 

Hanley later told police that he was excited to be celebrating four months of sobriety, so he came up with this brilliant plan to go get the motorcycle he’d wanted after first drinking a bunch of moscato and vodka at home. The plan was, he was going to wheel the bike back to his house, then start it at a safe distance from the shop. 

Slipping up in recovery is sad, both for him and his family—but this stolen bike situation undoubtedly makes everything a whole lot more difficult. The one good thing about this story is that he did know enough not to try to ride while drunk, I guess? That’s something, at least. We have no idea what kind of riding experience, if any, he had before this incident—so that part is probably for the best, for both him and the stolen bike. Maybe he’ll be disturbed enough by hitting this low point that he can get the help he needs, make a good recovery, and go buy the bike of his dreams properly in the future. Here’s hoping.

Sources: 3TV/CBS 5, 12 News