Are you a jaded motorcycle expert? If any of these eight signs applies to you, then the answer is yes.

Ridden everywhere and seen everything? Literally been around the block? Know the answer to newbie questions, but can't be bothered answering them? Here's eight signs you're a jaded motorcycle expert like me.

1. Riding Buddies? Who Needs 'Em?

Ask me if I want to go riding this weekend. Doesn't matter who you are or what you ride, my answer's going to be, "No." No, I don't want to help you learn to go faster. No, I don't want to spend my lunchtime talking about Marc Marquez, again. And yes, I've ridden that route before. Yes, I've spent too much time fixing other people's bike. Yes, I've had to take people to the hospital who thought they could keep up. No, I don't want to do that again.

2. Whoa, You Really Heard That Motorcycles Are Dangerous?!

Oh man, I did not realize that. I should totally reconsider my life choices based on your well researched and objective study. Sweet Prius, you ever been on the track in that thing? Oh man, I totally know what you mean, I've allowed life to get in the way of me ever doing any of the stuff I wanted to do too. No, not really. Sweet tattoo, looks tough. Seen my scars?

Private track day on a Mission RS or a camping trip with the girlfriend? Well, I end up riding the bike on Angeles Crest Highway...

Private track day on a Mission RS or a camping trip with the girlfriend? Well, I end up riding the bike on Angeles Crest Highway...

3. No, You Should Not Buy That New Bike

Wow, you're going to buy a new bike? That's so cool. Too bad you'll never manage to experience even 10 percent of its performance riding the way you do. But, it's totally worth you sinking $20,000 into, even though you'd do better spending $2,000 on a track school. Yeah, you're going to look super cool parking that Panigale at bike night with chicken strips like that. And no, you still can't come riding with me. But I'm being nice, so I'll just give you a non-committal shrug.

4. You're Telling Me I Could Get Free Pizza By Fixing Your Bike?

Wait, wait, wait. I could get an entire pizza (shared with you) for free, by spending my entire Saturday afternoon reversing all your cack-handed motorcycle repair mistakes? That's like an $8.99 value! And man, it wasn't like I had any plans or anything. I mean, other than loading up my immaculately maintained bike with camping gear and going riding that is. But man, free pizza, tough decision.

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Related Links:

Do What I Say, Not What I do: 10 Things I've Learned From 10 Motorcycle Crashes

My Butt: Why Wearing Jeans On A Motorcycle Is A Really Bad Idea

If I Was to Give You Buying Advice: 2013 Honda CB500X Review

5. But Yes, I Will Take Your Girlfriend On Her First Motorcycle Ride

Wow, you've never been on a bike before? Of course I'll take you. No, I understand why you're too scared to ride with your boyfriend too. Don't worry, you couldn't be in safer hands. Of course I have a helmet in your size. No, really, it's no bother at all! Here, just put your arms around my stomach and hold on tight... How fast have you been on the road before? Ok, we can do a bit better than that. See ya later, Sean.

6. This $20,000 Motorcycle Could Really Use Slightly Superior Suspension

You know, there's really only a single tube in Ohlins shock on this exotic Italian motorcycle that there's only a handful of in the entire country. And that's just not nearly as good as the suspension on the other $20,000 exotic Italian motorcycle in my garage, so I'll just leave the other one parked, gathering dust. I know you'd sell an organ just for the chance to spend an hour on one, but I'll forget I even have it until the nice PR person emails to remind me they're picking it up the next day.

The Ducati 1199 Panigale R would be a lot better if it had a more comfortable seat.

The Ducati 1199 Panigale R would be a lot better if it had a more comfortable seat.

7. Yes Officer, It's My Job

No, it wasn't dangerous or reckless. Yes, I do know what I'm talking about. See this? It's a business card saying I do this professionally. Right. Oh man, your old bike from the '90s is super sweet. Seriously, I really miss getting to ride those. Oh yeah, I've totally been on the Nurburgring, it's just as scary as they say. This thing? Yeah, this bike is fun, as you just saw. I know, I know, I should really try and make sure the bikes I ride have license plates and are road legal. Ok, I'll try and be more careful from here on out. Thanks for not writing me a ticket!

8. These Are The Body Parts That Are Broken And This Is How You Should Fix Them

Oh hello. No, don't worry, the line wasn't too long. You see, I've had a motorcycle crash and broken my left Ulna, these two ribs here, fractured my coccyx and I'm afraid I've done something bad to my knee. Wish I hadn't broken my arm or I'd just be handling this myself, but what I'm going to need done today is to have the old metal — yes, there's old metal, here's a picture of the x-ray on my phone — so you are going to need to take that out and I'm going to need a new plate. I'm hoping the new one can be a bit longer to cover here and here, see? But first, I'm going to need someone to clean my road rash and irrigate this hole in my knee. Hang on, let me stand back and lift my leg up so you can see it over the counter. Yeah, so I'm worried that a bunch of debris has gotten lodged in this hole, see how it goes in, then up a few inches? I want to get that cleaned out really well, then someone's going to need to scrub this road rash and I should probably take some antibiotics.

Riding the 2014 BMW F 800 GS Adventure in Moab was nice and all, but it lacks a little front end feel.

Riding the 2014 BMW F 800 GS Adventure in Moab was nice and all, but it lacks a little front end feel.

Yes, I sound like an ungrateful jerk, but sometimes I just want to do my job and be done for the day. You probably want me to get out a violin... You sound like me too? You might just be a jaded motorcycle expert too. Who have you ticked off lately? (My answer would be everyone.)

Related Links:

Do What I Say, Not What I do: 10 Things I've Learned From 10 Motorcycle Crashes

My Butt: Why Wearing Jeans On A Motorcycle Is A Really Bad Idea

If I Was to Give You Buying Advice: 2013 Honda CB500X Review